Insert Irate Victim of Supernatural Spam Here
by complexities
Summary: Charis goes on her first mission, solo or otherwise. For the most trivial reason of all she visits the Jigoku Shoujo fandom and meets a new Sue there. ACMSES fic.


**Disclaimer: **Doug belongs to gdouglas56; my characters belong to me; _Jigoku Shoujo_ belongs to Aniplex and Studio Deen; and _My Immortal_ belongs to Tara Gilesbie (because I have to say it). Blame a Vampire Knight thread on Gaia for getting me worked up over _My Immortal_ all over again – I know it's old.

I don't think this fic is funny, but it's more of a spoof than any of my others. I just thought I'd try writing Charis as her own person, since she's getting rather too popular to remain a character foil.

...

All was right in the realm of Charis.

Her sister – at once her biggest source of concern, and yet the greatest impediment to her work at the same time – was finally out of the infirmary. Before she'd had a chance to follow Charis back to her office and have her interest piqued by the latest project, Karissa had booted up the old computer that they both shared in order to check her e-mail. One daily digest from a subscription to some online thread had set her off, and then the next thing Charis knew, her sister was rushing out the door with a look of murderous intent in her eyes and the scathing words "My Immortal" on her lips.

Charis would have to get the full story from her sister later. However, at this moment, she was semi-grateful that Karissa hadn't caught sight of her newest invention. She might have broken something in her enthusiasm, and Charis couldn't afford any damage to this particular gadget, because it wasn't hers to break. At least, not entirely.

This...thing, this unnamed tool, was a collaboration that Charis had recently begun with Douglas, another member of the Society. Technically, he was an active Agent, whereas she was concerned solely with the Society's scientific affairs, but one day Charis had been pleasantly surprised to debate the theory of computation with him and find herself challenged. He had been the one to come up with the Copyright Darts and Grappling Prohibitors (which Charis had been dying to steal and dissect, for ages). On the table, the object looked like your typical Plothole Generator ray gun; however some conspicuously new circuit boards were evident through a hole in the casing.

Charis patted the side of the device affectionately. Today was the last day it would spend in her private workshop; now that Doug had come back from his latest mission, he wanted time to work on the machine too, and so it would soon be moved into his own lab for convenience's sake. He had promised she would still have input on their project. At the time, she had just shrugged. Now, though, Charis was seriously considering making use of her room inside the Library that was significantly closer to Douglas. Surely a few days without her illusions of the outdoors wouldn't harm her indefinitely. She'd lock up this site tomorrow and move a few of her things into her other premises.

Silently, Charis stripped off her yellow protective gloves, before setting about on an inventory of her most necessary possessions. Of course she'd have to take her tool kit; a change of clothes; some SpagBol; a bar of chocolate (just in case); and let's not forget her precious, private laptop. Charis carefully arranged the items in the bottom of a valise, and just as her cursor hovered over Shut Down on her laptop, a notification binged. Surprised, she pushed the TARDIS blue lid further back, and observed a bright pop-up ad.

"_Have you heard of Hell Correspondence?_"

Charis frowned. "That's from Jigoku Shoujo, isn't it?" She didn't keep up with as many manga series as Karissa did. "How did this end up on my desktop? I'm not even connected to the internet." When she moved to minimise the ad, three more windows generated for every one she closed. Charis's trembling hands flew up to her face. "_I_ did not get hacked. I did _not_ get hacked. I did not get _hacked_!" With a muffled cry of fury, Charis swept towards the door, before an idea occurred to her.

She went back to her bed and grabbed the handles of the light suitcase, and then with her laptop still on – birthing new ads at the rate of one per second in the dark enclosure of her bag – she set out to find the Society's Leader, Tash.

T_T_T_T_T_T

"Is anything odd happening in the Jigoku Shoujo fandom?"

Natasha Marquand started in surprise. She was accustomed, by now, to Agents seeking her out at any and all times of day. However, she couldn't recall ever meeting spontaneously with Charis in the Library. Automatically, she said, "If you're looking for Karissa, she left half an hour ago, and not to that fandom."

"I know." Charis brought her laptop out and balanced it on one hand in front of her superior. "I'm asking out of my own interest, because I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be going there shortly."

Tash wasn't sure what exactly she was supposed to be looking at. By this point, the screen of Charis's laptop was awash with a mess of blurred crimson hues. The effect was particularly jarring in the colours red against blue. "Is it broken?"

"I think I've been hacked. I'm not entirely sure if a Sue is involved, but the source of this virus was definitely Jigoku Shoujo."

Tash frowned dubiously. "A computer virus doesn't exactly fit a Sue's _modus operandi_. Before you leave, we should check the Society's computers to be certain." But rather than heading towards the more powerful machines within the Library, Tash belatedly pulled out her Plot Summary instead. Charis stared at it covetously all the while that Tash consulted her handheld device. After a moment, the older woman spoke, slowly, "There is some irregularity in the series. But judging by these readings...if there _is_ a Sue in the fandom, she'd have to be remarkably weak. She's rating as lower than a Level 1 – essentially, she has less power than Emily prior to us taking her in."

Since she'd never once been in the field before, the word "level" in conjunction with "Sue" held no meaning for Charis, and so she knew nothing about how strange this occurrence was. All she knew was that she had to put this _distasteful_ problem to rights as soon as possible. "Alright, then, I'm going to go in and check the situation out. If there is a Sue, and she's as weak as you say, then I'll bring her back to the Library on my way out of the fandom." She added the last part casually as she began to walk away.

The Society Leader prepared to ask Charis if she would be okay on what was technically her first-ever mission. Members who had no plans to become full Agents were not required to go through a training mission, after all. However, she decided not to insult the girl's capability. The Plot Summary claimed this Sue was the weakest they had ever encountered, so what really was the worst that could happen?

It was only after Charis had disappeared promptly through a Plothole – a good technician always keeps basic equipment, as the minimum, on her person – that Tash realised such a stupid question would likely be met with a stupid answer in return.

T_T_T_T_T_T

The story of Jigoku Shoujo predominantly consisted of case-by-case incidents where a minor character developed some reason to hold a grudge against another person, whereupon they would call on the Jigoku Shoujo. She could be contacted through her website _Hell Correspondence_ at exactly midnight, and only on the condition that you held enough hatred in your heart. Once you'd typed the name of the person whom you held a grudge against into the coded box, the Jigoku Shoujo would appear in your presence and offer you a voodoo-like straw doll.

The contract would be complete at the instant you pulled the string tied around the doll, releasing the knot. Before she would let you proceed, however, she always issued a warning. "When one person is cursed, two graves are dug. When you die, your soul shall fall into the pit of Hell. Your spirit shall wander forever in pain and suffering, never having known paradise. Well, that's after you die. The rest is for you to decide."

Her warning rarely had any effect on the will of her customers.

The Jigoku Shoujo had a history – a reason for her strange occupation – but the manga's plot rarely touched on it. In fact, on average, the Jigoku Shoujo herself received maybe 5 pages of so-called screen time, and her three assistants received about that much attention all together. The real protagonists of each chapter were the pitiful human contractors, but most readers were in disbelief that a teenage girl would sell her soul to get rid of a rival who happened to want the same boyfriend she did. No lie, that had happened in the latest chapter released as an English scanlation.

"All in all, this is not the typical fandom that a Sue would commonly pick, either," Charis mused aloud. "There's no sense in assuming the role of one of the minor characters, because they come and go like the seasons here. Besides, Lela has been the first Sue I've known willing to sell her soul – most wouldn't bother. But if the Sue has taken on the persona of the Jigoku Shoujo, well, the job is actually a punishment. Why would she want to confine herself to a fandom where she gets virtually no glory and is powerless to fulfill nobody's wishes but her own?" After hours of searching, Charis was no closer to finding her hacker or the Sue, who she had combined into one person in her mind by now.

Dusk was falling over Japan, and she was getting cold. She hadn't grabbed a jacket or anything similar before leaving for this fandom, so she still wore a halter tank and short skirt that were appropriate for the Library's perpetually sunny weather, and not for the cool touch of night. "I've got to find somewhere to warm up." Down the street Charis could just make out a sign with the kanji ネカフェ that read _internet cafe_. Did she have enough money to buy a hot drink and the right to a chair?

She sighed. Her questing hands had found a total of CAD 3.91 in her pockets, but it would be pointless to exchange it for yen. Not factoring in a guaranteed service charge, she would only get 327 yen in trade, and the cheapest cup of coffee in Tokyo was approximately 350 yen. "I didn't want to have to do this, but–" Charis muttered to herself and cracked a small white pill out of its protective packaging. In what had to be the most mundane use of an Oneshot ever, Charis swallowed the pill dry, willing herself to acquire a very specific power from this fandom. It was the abilities of Hone Onna, the Bone Woman of the series, which she desired. Reasonably sure that she'd succeeded in her wish, Charis stepped into the shadow of a nearby storefront. She waited patiently for the next passerby to cross her path, and then she revealed herself to them with a dramatic thrashing of arms.

"Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The longest string of put-together letters that FanFiction would allow did not account for the absolute terror in the young Asian mother's scream.

As the woman ran away, Charis consciously concealed all the bones in her body once more, before she hefted the quite fashionable Crystal Ball Sweet Chocolate Hello Kitty bag she'd purse-snatched onto one shoulder. Projecting a completely innocent air, she entered the cafe she'd spotted earlier.

"Irasshai-mase! Nanika Osagashi desu ka?" (Hello! How may I help you?)

In response to the employee's infectious grin, Charis returned a smile of her own and replied, "Koohii o hitotsu kudasai." (Please give me a cup of coffee.)

"Wakari mashita. Ima, otori shimasu!" (Okay, I will get it for you!)

In no time at all, Charis took a seat at a table in one of the corners of the cafe. She sipped her coffee reflectively, and hashed through her thoughts as the hands on the clock above flew by. Truly, assuming the Sue had come into the fandom to oust Enma Ai, she would be more or less stuck now. The original Jigoku Shoujo had been presented the fate of being the Hell Girl as atonement. It was an ongoing mystery as to whether she would ever be freed of it. That the Sue's powers were constrained would explain the low power rating that Tash had referred to, so if the Sue was the hacker, then maybe she'd taken up her unconventional hobby because she was...bored.

There was really only one way to settle this. The Sue _had_ to be the current Jigoku Shoujo. So to get in contact with Jigoku Shoujo, Charis just had to wait two more minutes according to the cafe's pink plastic clock, and then access _Hell Correspondence_. Charis shuffled around in her chair until she'd dragged it the metre towards the closest computer with an embarrassingly loud screech.

"Gomennasai!" (Sorry!) Charis winced in sympathy of the employee's ears. Once her apology was acknowledged, she returned her attention to the clock face. _117 seconds…118 seconds…119 seconds…120 seconds_. With a deft hand Charis clicked the Go To bar in her internet browser, and a website dyed in blood soon bloomed across the page. Set in the centre was the large script for Hell that had featured in the ad that plagued her.

Charis paused before the empty spot where she was supposed to type the name of her enemy. She had to sincerely hate someone, or else the Jigoku Shoujo – Sue or not – wouldn't appear. Smiling evilly, she typed the pseudonym _Hannah Montana_.

_I've received your message._

_- Hell Girl_

"Take this." Behind Charis, a hand proffered her a doll tied up with a scarlet string. She spun around triumphantly, and yes, this girl didn't have the long straight black hair or ruby-red eyes of Emna Ai. The affected Jigoku Shoujo had coal-grey hair put up in a bun with pink chopsticks, and the eyes that stared back at the Society tech were emerald green.

"In the name of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society I arrest you for malicious computer crimes!" Charis said quickly, in all one breath, as if she'd crowded out the blank spaces between her words.

The Jigoku Shoujo blinked. Once. Twice. "That's not how it's supposed to go. You're supposed to arrest me for fandom defacement, aren't you? And you don't even know my name. You're seriously under-informed."

Charis gamely agreed to the accusation. "What is your name then, O computer hacker?"

She sniffed daintily. "I'm Emma Diffi Nair Deri Unice Queenie Ai."

Charis sputtered. The Sue's name sounded like nothing more than a mishmash of incomplete words. Perhaps, Emma "Different Nary Derivative Unique Queen" Ai. (That's right. Don't ask.)

"Well, it's clear that you're from the Society, but I'm sure that you must be Charis, am I right?"

"Yes. You know that, don't you, because you were the one who planted a virus in my laptop?"

"You are 100 percent correct. Lela-sama asked me to."

"Wait, what?" Charis connected the dots between this Lela-sama and the only Lela she had ever known. "Do you mean to say you work for Lela Persim Spica Clover Ginger Sarah Minnie Kai-Lee?"

Emma's eyes darkened perceptibly. "I don't work _for_ Lela-sama. That would imply that I required some form of compensation for my efforts. I don't need any of that! She has every right to command me because she is a Level 6 whereas I am Level 1."

"You're less than Level 1, according to our computers."

"Pah! There's no such thing as a level below Level 1. However, the peculiarities of my position in the fandom have had shielding properties that work against anyone attempting to read my strength."

"That's reassuring. A place where Sues can hide in plain sight. So why in the world would Lela have you hack my laptop?" Again, Charis spoke as if stopping for oxygen between words was something that was beneath her.

"You care about your laptop the most, don't you? Lela-sama says it's the only gift you've ever received from your Author. The most effective way to hurt you is to damage your laptop, and the most effective way to hurt your sister is to get you out of the way."

The depth of Mary Sues' depravity hit Charis with a strong blow. She felt some of her pacifism crumble away, especially where her once-removed sister Lela was concerned. "If that's Lela's goal, she made a mistake in giving the job to a weak Sue like you, didn't she?"

Emma's eyes darkened again with contempt, in what was probably the only way that she could express emotion without succumbing to the Sueish tendency to be a chatterbox. "I'm more than a match for you!"

The two of them came together with a kick on both their parts. Emma wasn't a trained fighter, and Charis – you must be kidding – wasn't a fighter _period_, so of course their attacks were jerky. For anybody who has ever played Mortal Kombat against an unskilled opponent, one will have noticed that the other person will simply button-mash, or else they will play it safe by sticking to just one button that they are aware works sufficiently. Both girls kicked as if they were being controlled by someone forcing them to perform Power High Kick repeatedly. B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B,B,B,B,B,B,B,B,B.

At last, Charis executed an unexpected Snap Kick. A. The one change in monotony was enough to throw Emma off balance, and Charis monopolised her opportunity to clasp a Prohibitor around the other girl's wrist. "I said that Lela made a mistake in giving the job to a weak Sue like you."

In defeat, the only recourse left to Emma was to cry. "At least Lela-sama won't be captured by the likes of you. She and Viva have many more plans for you wretched siblings."

Charis's expression remained neutral, this time, at the Sue's obvious baiting. "Of course she has. Lela knows us best next to everyone but our Author. But thanks to you spilling your guts, next time Karissa and I will be on our guard. Maybe she won't find it so easy to tear us down. For that, I thank you Emma!" Her tone was playful as she sent the Sue sailing through her Plothole with one more Low Chip Kick. DO+B.

T_T_T_T_T_T

Back in the Library, Charis made an odd remark to Tash as she handed over her prisoner to be taken down to the Basement.

"If Lela was really smart, she would have told Emma to take me to Hell, instead of fooling around with computer viruses and luring me into a trap. Maybe she doesn't hate me as much as she hates Karissa, and that's why the God of Hell wouldn't permit it."

Charis knew Tash wasn't familiar with the fandom, but one day in the future the statement might click in her head. If Charis had any inclination to fill out her requisite paperwork, all the information she would need could be found in there – but come on, Charis was a member of the Society. No one sane did their paperwork here.

T_T_T_T_T_T

In the area formally titled the Science Department of the Library, Charis navigated a hallway of closed doors. She read the nameplates on each entry that she passed in order to determine which belonged to her yet-unvisited designated lab. "Camille...Douglas..." She examined the respective names over the wood to her left and right. "Ah, so mine must be–" She looked up to see her own identity on bright metal right in front of her eyes. She'd been standing by the correct door for little over a minute, but now she understood that the labs were arranged alphabetically by first name. Grasping the doorknob firmly, Charis stepped inside.

...

**A/N:** Yay, some character development for Charis! When I referred to Lela as Charis's once-removed sister, I mean that all of my characters are abstractly related to one another, and Lela was created in the same generation as Charis and Karissa (within a single period of time, but merely in a different batch of brainstorming).

I've listed so many great fandoms as ones that I want one day, but I think the one I will _claim_ next is The Midnighters.


End file.
